Yet another zombie movie is released on Netflix. (spoiler warning)

But it’s set in Vegas!

But it stars Dave Bautista!

But, but, but…

To be fair, there is nothing bad about the film. It was really just ‘meh’. The true surprise was I made it through the film–I’m not a fan of zombies or gore (or maybe I’m not a fan of zombie movies because they insist on being gory for no discernible reason).

The acting is what you expect for a movie that (I’m being kind here) tries to pay homage to the dirty-dozen-everybody-dies genre and I have to give props to the attempt at nouveau genre blending. It’s a shame that the blending was apparently done in a juice-ninja-blender-super-max-3000. The blending just left an unsatisfactory list of pointless plot threads (think hamburgers with extra buns in the middle: sure you can have a middle bun but does it really serve a purpose?)

And WTH was up with the pointless female-zombie-was-pregnant story strand? 

The best sequence of the movie is probably the opening trailer with it’s hyper condensed, dialogue-less story telling a la Watchmen.

I finished the 2 hours and 28 minutes of the movie in about 2 hours and ten minutes–most of the last eighteen minutes was viewed in 10 sec time jumps.

I really do try and like Zach Snyder films and he has a list of jealously protected IP that he has been allowed to play with (300, Watchman, DC comics), but I can honestly say there is not a single Snyder film I want to watch a second time. Not that I didn’t enjoy the films at some level, but there is nothing that pulls me back for a second viewing.

I think Snyder suffers from the same disease that occasionally afflicts Steven Spielburg: great, emotionally-manipulative storytelling that eventually gives way to self-indulgent bull#$%@. Try and sit through a viewing of Hook and tell me that it wasn’t just artistic egocentrism? That movie was two hours of pandering and a waste of really good talent. It’s worse than a twenty minute guitar solo that no one in the audience wants to hear but suffers through and applauds out of politeness.

I did watch the post-credit sequence in normal speed. It would have a been a surprise if the surviving member of the group lived happily ever after. They don’t.

Moral of the story: Zach Snyder movies are the equivalent of Hook on an endless loop.

If for some reason Mr. Snyder ever reads this post, I just want to say I really, really do try and like your stuff more. So I hope you keep making movies. And in the future, just maybe, after you’ve edited and think ‘this is the right cut’ go back and take 10% more out. 

Remember, a 20 minute guitar solo is just so much artistic pandering.